“Next station Parel , Agla station Parel, Pudhil station Parel ” , I tap on the video , 04:56 / 07:38 mins. I usually hate to end Kenny’s video midway, but the rush behind me warns me to prepare for leaving the door as the train seems to approach the station. I pause the video, press the lock button with my right thumb and place it in my pocket. I tap the shoulder in front, “Bhai Sahab agla station utarne vale hai na ? ” He confirms with a nod behind his back.
As the train descends to stop on the platform, I get down in motion of the train, balancing myself with few steps before I stop. I turn around to reach out at the foot over bridge amidst the crowd which just dropped off along with me and a few waiting eagerly for their train. As I climb upstairs, I hear water hammering over the roof of the bridge heavily. I see faces chatter around as many were unprepared today for this unanticipated rain. Although mummy told me to carry my umbrella even today, it meant to be more of an unnecessary burden to carry in my bag after all the receding rains for the season stopped almost a week ago. As I approach the downstairs towards the exit, I see people hovering at the end steps waiting for the spill to end. I’m able to see some water accumulated on the ground over their heads. I take a few steps till I reach the human blockade created over the steps and stand along a corner.
It didn’t feel like cursing the rain today, deep down it was at least something happening amidst this mundane journey to work. I try to enjoy the leisure time for a while before I start worrying about being late to the office. I quickly lost myself reminiscing about some rainy incidents and noticing some faces around me, meanwhile the crowd seems to have gathered behind me and I could see people getting filled up over the steps to the length of my sight. I could realize probably the people who were even equipped with umbrellas also being stuck to make their way to the exit. Although some time pertinent individuals were hustling their way by each step through the crowd which almost looked like some snakes seeping under the patch of still grass. And probably as the stacks re-adjust themselves to fill up the voids , the push and noises begin to insinuate the inadequacy of the space.
As the thrust and squeeze surges to inconvenience, an anger arises within to make efforts for withstanding the force, with the expectation from people to act little sensible now. As forces seems to paramount the strength of the feet to hold ground, fear charges in to make my instincts warn for an unprecedented danger. As my voice turns behind to shout at this inessential idiocy from the crowd. The weight stormed upon me leaving me uprooted of my feet as I stumble upon the stairs with the chain of falling human dominoes and get dragged over the heap of people down the stairs. While the fall had its moment fear was invaded by a bit of embarrassment as my pride went for a hit. But by the time I find my body stuck against the stumbled bodies on the stairs an excruciating pain arise in the chest with the masses of flesh constantly slapped upon. I felt my body dead locked under the weight of bodies below my neck, unable to move even an inch for a while and my neck badly twisted towards my shoulder. Luckily the head lying over some limb saved me from some real damage against the floor. Now anger rebounds within at my fate after the sense of realization of this mishap. The site turned into a disaster as these mad mob were trying to escape over the bodies before they tumble upon us which pretty much looked like the herd of deers turned wild as their death springs out of the water to attack. And before the body could think to regain its strength to make a moment to bring itself in a position to breathe. A foot step falls straight upon my face . This hard hit to the face blows away my consciousness for a moment before I could comprehend the reality. Resentment kicks in with this feeling of disguise to see myself end up at such indignified state of life, the life which always valued the very nature of care and compassion . A state of despise emerged for the entire humankind and this body form felt like a disgrace to carry. It shattered the entire institution built around the belief of being a human after witnessing how animal a human can turn into. And another hit comes hard at me cracking my neck bone, tears roll down the eyes in the form of absolute grief to live for such experience. The body lied numb in vegetative state deprived of the very soul just like a carcass rotting out in the open.The sight soon turned dark as a body slams upon my face which buried me completely, resembling the last dirt thrown on my grave. Air becomes heavier and sloppy to snuggle through my windpipe to the lungs and the wait turns into an interminable eternity.
The act of stampede characterises weakness and submissive standard of living which discloses a larger harsh reality. And a quote rightly put to ponder upon – “What use is our anger if it’s only at the way we die – not at the way we live ” .
So when does this battle begin ? It happens everyday, in every little instance. In all likelihood they’ll always stand to differ
He accompanies me while on my way to work and back home generally, fortunately he is free all the time and me on the other side simply occupied with my routines and other stuffs. It’s usually the same journey which follows everyday until one fine day it changed forever. Here’s how our journey began as we step out from my house that day –
Episode 1: We arrive at the auto-stand to reach the railway station .While waiting for an auto to arrive, He points me to this guy waiting behind me in the queue, looking at his watch every second impatiently, might be late for some real important assignment. He hints me to make a move upfront to help the poor guy skip the queue to save him some time there. But I somehow fail to gather enough courage to ask and I quietly slide into the auto as it arrives.
Episode 2: We rush to the railway platform since I’m bit late today. He distracts my sight towards this penurious lady sitting with her infant in her lap near the walls of the platform, might be in need for some food to feed her child. He gives this look as if I probably know what he might say now but I disgracefully look down and make my way with the crowd as soon as the train enters the platform.
Episode 3: We catch our bus en route, today it’s quite crowded and I’m fortunate enough to enjoy this window seat. And suddenly he turns my head towards this stranger who is profusely sweating and exhausted as if he just ran a marathon to catch this bus, looks like he might need my seat more than me for now. But I simply turn my head back again through the window pane.
Episode 4: We get down at our bus stop and start walking towards our office premises along the footpath. He calls for my attention towards a skinny guy struggling to pull the loaded cart behind him on road . I carry this sympathetic look and simply enter the gates of my office.
Episode 5 : After a hectic day, we friends were enjoying ice-creams along the roadside. He asks me to notice the poor kid walking away disappointed, looks like he just fell short of few more coins to buy an ice cream for himself. I just stand and act like a spectator there.
Episode 6: While walking towards our building stairs, I usually avoid looking at this particular balcony. I know I will find this old little man sitting on his chair carrying that same old impassive look for years since I remember. I always struggle to make a comfortable gesture to him. Pretty well acquainted with this shortcoming he still provokes me by purpose. I accept my defeat and walk straight towards the stairs.
Disturbed with all the incidences he tried to indulge me into today. I make him stand in front of me and question his intent behind this play. His witty smile further gets me annoyed and furious. He softly utters “If I were you, it wouldn’t have been the same for you as well as for few others today,dear friend”. I just collapse down to my knees in tears because he was none other than myself in front of me. I was equally petrified with the one residing within me the whole time. And there I finally discovered these two identities confronting each others.
“Sometimes you need to lose some mind to win some heart.”
Alexithymia that’s all I can say when it comes down to talk about few things, particularly this one.
I guess the title makes an attempt to tickle your grey cells on my intent for this article. Let’s get it started straight from the incident where this idea took birth .
During a metro ride with my good old friend , he was talking about this girl he knew , so she is going get engaged soon but not with her boyfriend as it seems but the one she choose from her community under parental pressure. Now she has made up her mind to never look back and she will work out with her present. It didn’t feel right to hear about it . He too raised his reservation against this incident and wondered how do people make such things work in reality? I didn’t have much to say in this and how could I ? Someone who never played either of these roles of love or marriage in true sense. Though enjoyed the freedom of having an opinion about it. I remember I came up with this statement – You know what , I think this ” Love and Marriage aren’t the same thing. ” if you see. I believe it meant more than those words had to offer.
Love as an emotion and Marriage as an act, both make an independent conception in itself. Together they can co-exist to represent an epitome of mutualistic symbiotic relationship. As now we are approaching this popular phase of mid 20’s the so-called socially accepted age for marriage proposals. We could hardly find this question not mentioned in our social meets like – Who’s going to marry the earliest among us ? I feel somewhere it asks for who’s going to dare to take the action first. The answers too feel like masked behind some real truth, some say ” Hmm , Might take some few years to look into it”. I guess this wait of few years is not meant for the marriage to happen but it’s actually spared for the love to happen. The idea of love later accompanied with marriage always gives this sense of delight within. But unfortunately some find it contentious when love seems to disappear like a beautiful dream after few years of marriage. All it needs is to have a blind faith in its existence to make the marriage or relationship run.
So as we hope for ” Love-Marriage ” , I would like to hope for ” Love-a-Marriage ” , here my definition with the silent ‘a’ helps to understand it better.
Love after marriage – we couldn’t deny the possibility of this happening either. I hope I may be wrong , But somewhere love gets protected from being questioned behind the bars of a relation called family. Do u love your family ? This thing rarely excites us when we talk about the L word as the emotion of family stands at par to any obligations of human emotions, its more than any emotion.
I don’t know when marriage will try to make sense for me but I do feel like ” I’m running out of time for love.“