Love(a)Marriage

Alexithymia that’s all I can say when it comes down to talk about few things, particularly this one.

I guess the title makes an attempt to tickle your grey cells on my intent for this article. Let’s get it started straight from the incident where this idea took birth .

During a metro ride with my good old friend , he was talking about this girl he knew , so she is going get engaged soon but not with her boyfriend as it seems but the one she choose from her community under parental pressure. Now she has made up her mind to never look back and she will work out with her present. It didn’t feel right to hear about it . He too raised his reservation against this incident and wondered  how do people make such things work in reality? I didn’t have much to say in this and how could I ? Someone who never played either of these roles of love or marriage in true sense. Though enjoyed the freedom of having an opinion about it. I remember I came up with this statement – You know what , I think this ” Love and Marriage aren’t the same thing. ” if you see. I believe it meant more than those words had to offer.

Love as an emotion and Marriage as an act, both make an independent conception in itself. Together they can co-exist to represent an epitome of mutualistic symbiotic relationship. As now we are approaching this popular phase of mid 20’s  the so-called socially accepted age for marriage proposals. We could hardly find this question  not mentioned in our social meets like – Who’s going to marry the earliest among us ? I feel somewhere it asks for who’s going to dare to take the action first. The answers too feel like masked behind some real truth, some say ” Hmm , Might take some few years to look into it”. I guess this wait of few years is not meant for the marriage to happen but it’s actually spared for the love to happen. The idea of love later accompanied with marriage always gives this sense of delight within. But unfortunately some find it contentious when love seems to disappear like a beautiful dream after few years of marriage. All it needs is to have a blind faith in its existence to make the marriage or relationship run.

So as we hope for ” Love-Marriage ” , I would like to hope for ” Love-a-Marriage ” , here my definition with the silent ‘a’ helps to understand it better.

Love after marriage – we couldn’t deny the possibility of this happening either. I hope I may be wrong , But somewhere love gets protected from being questioned behind the bars of a relation called family. Do u love your family ? This thing rarely excites us when we talk about the L word as the emotion of family stands at par to any obligations of human emotions, its more than any emotion.

I don’t know when marriage will try to make sense for me but I do feel like ”  I’m running out of time for love.

The Unanswered !!

A fictional tale which answers to none…

Walking along the shore late night under the crescent moon light he was lost in this state of melancholy. He reaches out for a cigarette and a lighter from his pocket , lights it up and takes in a deep breath of smoke. The cool steady breeze just adding the beauty to the atmosphere is trying to steal away the cigarette smoke from the tip of his mouth. Even the smoke inside isn’t spared as if the air has it all to cleanse the toxic within. The moist sand underneath providing a comfortable cushion to his bare feet. The sea water rolls off his legs every time the waves run into the coastline.

On his way along the shore ride he accidentally stumbles over a rock under water. As the wave reclines back over his legs he finds an idol with the throne just visible above the surface. He digs out some soil to get this small Ganesh murti out , and washes off the mud over it with some water. He stares at the idol giving this smile of recognition as if waiting all his life to talk to it. He didn’t have much to say , just a few answers from this Almighty who act like the panacea for all the disorders in our living . He was always sceptical about getting any answers , never did he find anyone like him coming up with help when he needed the most. He speaks out-

” They say you know everything. That’s the  reason why you are different from me.

I hear their silence,
You hear their plead..

I see their laughter,
You see their tears..

I see what they receive,
You see what they sacrifice..

I know about their dreams,
You know about their fears..

But I do know something, dear Lord,

You created soil,
I created a cup..

You created darkness,
I created the lamp..

You created time,
I created its Age..

You created wood,
I created paper..

And above all ,

As you created me
I think I created you..

Isn’t that true  ? ”

As he finishes off this dialogue , a voice whispers behind him….

 

Shhh ! Koi hai…

It’s difficult to face the unexpected , I actually fell on my knees in front of this mighty visitor

Seldom do I wonder out of curiosity what its like to experience death or what do we might go through in our minds during those final seconds to mortality,knowing nothing will matter any more now. I think the beauty of this experience lies in the utmost freedom it provides as you are left free with emotions devoid of any kind of influences, and you’ll never be thinking about it ever again.

Look at the irony , the poor guy himself is not available to witness the end. Funny isn’t it? 🙂

My horror story as usual is unusual, occurred one fine early morning. Here I am busy dealing with tremors of sleep , not willing to wake up so soon as I had the pleasure to wake up late that day. Even my blocked nose made it difficult to help me with my sleep. I am somehow aware mom’s awake . At some instant , I find myself under my covers and I am able to hear mom in the adjacent room  but all that captures my attention is that I’m hearing someone snoring near me , and it couldn’t be anyone other than her, as she normally snores too.

Before I make any reflexes to witness it, suddenly I feel a whole lot of weight over my body like someone sitting over me .I just freak out, I am stuck and my body is dead resistant unable to move even a millimeter . I am trying to shout like hell but no success there too ,seems like my voice box  ceased to function anymore. I am struggling to breathe now, unable to engulf any air inside. It all felt like I am nearing to the end,  and this dreadful fear of losing myself once and for all ,collapses my strength to strive for life and left me on the mercy of faith. Finally I just give up the battle knowing it would result into no other way than my loss. I wished I could speak someone to before leaving and end up closing my eyes not sure whether they would ever seek light again.

No wonder I couldn’t think anything about my journey or people or anything else , all I just wanted was – Some Air to become my Breath.

Suddenly I jump off my bed making whole-hearted efforts to breathe and try to hold myself together. Completely stunned with the whole episode, I start asking mom some weird questions to get some clue about this absurd experience, but all that freaked me out was the sense of weight over my body and the loss of breath. I grab my phone and try to find some answers online. Later I come to know science has termed this phenomenon as   ” Sleep Paralysis ” , it helped me understand the whole scenario and I felt comfortable about not being the lone survivor in this paranormal adventure of pseudo death.

I hope by now you might have solved the mystery behind the snoring heard besides me. :p

*** THE END ***

The last thing you might want to hear !!

Sometimes you happen to feel like that one thing is missing in your perfect story. I think I found that one thing in my story.

Lately I have been engaged in some strange thoughts regarding my uneasy sleeping experiences at night. Its like something is left incomplete that I am unaware of, even after winding up a fantastic day . So why am I not able to drown into a pleasant sleep smoothly ? Its like I am unable to find the last right thing to do before I end up closing my eyes .This hasn’t been felt before. I find myself dodge between couple of acts like reading some quick write-ups or blogs , listening to some soft romantic song or preferably a piano cover ( Titanic theme song recently being the frequent one.) , or Facebook news feed at last if none to the fill the empty space. Now I  feel like I succeeded in  figuring out the mystery behind this mini crisis I have been dealing with. I think I know what’s missing there –  “ I need someone to say Good Night “. Yeah that’s actually what is supposed to happen every night isn’t it ? I found it fairly believable since the last thing I have been doing is staring at the clock on the mobile screen, and I am like –  OK, its time now , close your eyes and try to sleep. But somehow my body clock has lost its sync with time. Amidst these discomforting feelings , one fine day I come across this small piece of paper treasured in my wallet for a long time. Not really  a number to dial-up ,In fact a message with those two words I have been deserted to. The piece of paper unfolded a sweet memory along with it.

A story from the early months of my job,  where everything was perfect except my work.Unfortunately I had been recently landed into a different profile which I believed wasn’t appropriate for me then, that too for my early days of learning period and even the shift duty schedule to ruin it all over .I was annoyed being  the unlucky guy to fill the place. Although with all the  poor attempts of my boss to help boost me up with the situation didn’t help much either. I was left alone with all my peer colleagues coming in the general timings. Luckily had these two great people around me to help with the ugly circumstances. My long time buddy cum roommate and a close friend cum colleague in my office , we use to hang out all the time . Somehow I felt like this thing it didn’t bother me much with them besides me.

As the rough month comes to an end , I am about to meet my boss for the change as discussed ago. I had my night shift the day before and had to wait the next morning for the meeting. Late night as usual I was engaged in a conversation with this special friend , and there she pops up with an interesting surprise for me . These sweet gestures used to be our best part, and also making it difficult for us to come with something impressive each time. She hides my surprise in the office before leaving today. I keep her on call while I leave down to her place, she instructs me to run down to our secret locker we had for our exchanges. Our secret locker used to be one of her drawers beneath her desk , and she use to hide the keys somewhere nearby. Getting it wouldn’t be much difficult at night unless the security guard finds something odd with my behaviour. I grab the bag from the drawer, lock it back and quickly run upstairs .

As I draw out the stuff from the carry bag, I find this familiar tiny dabba , the same old one which she used to carry during her lunch. Our guessing games comes to an end and I get the permission to open it up. There’s this paper slip kept over the wrapped aluminum foil inside. I keep the paper aside for a while and get my attention back to the box. I see a homemade variety of dried  ‘poha'( or flattened rice  that’s what it’s called , I never heard before googling it now :p ), and a lovely bar of  peanut chikki (or patti that’s what the locals call here ) . Me and my roomie use to have a lot of those during those chilly winters. She had been to her home recently , and brought this treat for me. I take up the slip and find this sweet message from her.

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Somehow I persuade her to keep the box with me forever. Moreover she was afraid what if I  get the dabba one day for office and our group might notice, how come I arrive with the box to office. Finally my day arrived, her wishes turned all fruitful and I get to return back to the place where I belong. Few days later, I plan out for a present in return. I buy one similar looking dabba for her, fill it with chocolate cubes she liked. Worked out those ribbon bindings and all to make it presentable. And that’s not it , I get a rose for her on my way to meet her ,that’s actually being the first ever I offered to someone. I do question my purpose now , what the hell I was trying to do ? :p I end up justifying the act as out of highest esteem I hold for her.

So feel lucky to hear a Good Night every night before falling asleep cause some do comprehend its absence.

Good Night !!

In the quest of superior Me !!

Interesting memoir , an accidental journey in my experience related to a topic that never leaves to amuse me.

With the end of this week on time scale , its difficult to scale the run on the spiritual path.  All my prejudice about the truth of life were put to test for the very first time. This struggling mind was unable to fathom the complexity of life and just touching the surface of reality wasn’t enough to quench it’s thirst. The week-long program was a result of attraction towards an another piece of life whose wisdom and perception never failed to bring moments of epiphany each time I watch his talks on Youtube. Accidentally get to know his foundation is organizing a program nearby , my curiosity dragged me to the event to understand the methodology he is preaching to these amateur urban yogis trying to rise above  the ocean of chaos they are drowning deep into. Does Yoga really transform this mass of flesh accumulated over a period of time after stealing from the nature , into an individual able to perceive and understand the real truth ? But it has benefitted guru as he claims , the result is what he projects to the world .

Was quite nervous like the first day of school surrounded by new faces all around and even excited to be the youngest student in the class. A young  white foreigner to lead us through the program was something unexpected for me.  To start with exercising the physical form of yoga which I suppose is not just the whole aspect of yoga but I could just manage to grasp its physical nature until then, with an addition to it leaving my random sway of thoughts for a while which I believe to be natural as being involved kept me away from worldly motions. After the Upayoga practices we were asked to pay attention to the screens. A smile runs along with the appearance of the familiar stranger on the screen who roped me to the very present state of my existence. How crazy it is , someone explaining an illogical truth to these logical idiots. That’s what make him the rescuer for us . He defined the word “Responsibility” literally and Ahh!! shouts the mind yeah that’s what it always meant as the Ability to Respond . For any given case my natural ability to respond can be in any possible form . Anger , love , compassion , empathy, bliss everything is sourced within , and  any wise man alive can understand what’s better for his well-being and others. Giving the freedom to a limitless approach to respond to any subject brings the best in me , then why be angry since you have the option not to be. Being angry we simply poison ourself thinking it will kill its victim. We were asked to exercise this topic for the whole day and share the experiences within groups as our homework for next day. Didn’t expect my first experience to appear just outside the centre. I was waiting along the roadside for an auto , one of the lady participant comes up for help with the lift ,  thanking her I pass down the offer since our paths were different. Felt good with the incident .Even the bargain for auto fare wasn’t the same like before , had interesting  observations all day long in my pocket to share.

The next day was just a real shake to my thinking capability . Understanding the concept of Moments of Happiness . Able to unravel the truth  behind all the happy moments in our past experiences was amazing. To brief it down,  its accepting the moment completely the way it is. Just differentiating the life period to every single moment, looking at the very current moment .This moment cannot be of any other form than it is now isn’t it so ?  We can’t do anything to it . In this moment lies the entire creation of the creator ,and this moment is what we have in the form of existence ,both previous moment and the next moment don’t exist in reality. Right now This Moment is Inevitable isn’t it ? Which moment you are looking at ,Look at this one. No not that , This one. Not that , this one I am talking about. It is the way it is , were you able to change it ? Either working for changing the  moment or thinking about the previous moment but the present moment is untouched . If you accept the present moment wholly you will never be distressed or anxious about anything. Every moment in your experience is happening for the first time in the entire cosmos since the universe is never the same for very next moment in your experience. Your whole lifetime can be spent blissfully just being aware about it  for every conscious moment of yours.

The third day kicks off with all the positive energy from yesterday’s phenomenal experience . The session is always preceded by  a prayer not familiar to my vocabulary. I never tried to find its interpretation before its first verse once appeared on TV. Later ,its found to be Shanti Mantra written in our Upanishads. So with the progressive practices we were preparing for the final form to be performed couple of days later.

On the  fourth day of the program ,the session ended with the announcement that the 5th day to be a Sunday scheduled for the  entire day at their Delhi center for the final procedure of the kriya. The conveyance for the early morning travel was a concern for me. Thinking about the possible options, it hits my mind and I reach out to the lady who offered me the drive on the very first day. She was busy completing her homework . She looks and smiles at me knowing my purpose beforehand , quickly accepts the request and I am all set for the finale.

With early special preparation for the day-long session , I drop into the car and we make our way to the centre , had a brief interaction en route knowing each other till we reach the destination. The scenic pathway as we just enter through the gates was pleasing enough to find something like this amidst of a city like Delhi. We were instructed to walk through the trees following the path. And as the view clears I am like What the Hell ! People all circled playing freebies , my legs couldn’t hold and I just run to join the play. I was surprised to see our instructor having fun in all casual completely opposite to the attire she used to follow at the sessions. Everyone no matter their age where enjoying all the games like little kids, you can imagine the average age group coming for the program like this and I never felt so comfortable playing with all strangers understanding the diverse backgrounds. We end up for breakfast which disappoints these hungry kids expecting some delicious food , for an unorthodox healthy meal . Later we hang out in the garden enjoying the morning breeze. Had a good talk with some individuals , largely with Mrs Vanita continuing our talk where we left off in the car ,enjoyed  some funny stories of her naughty kid.

Session started with a great talk by guru and detailed process of our kriya to be performed. Revising our practices learned during the week , we were prepared to experience the so-called higher conscious state. As a preparatory practice we were left outside the yoga room in the garden for a while with the constraint to avoid any form of interaction with the participants ,not even looking at each other. The atmosphere was filled with complete silence , I managed to distract myself looking at the trees , an ant dragging a leaf caught my attention and I was lost into its act till we were told to return back to the room.

The experience of the kriya is a bit difficult to explain as I really don’t know what was it to be frank. We were unaware of what we were going to experience actually. That’s make it difficult to judge whether was it the way it was intended to be. How do you know what to experience unless you are told what the experience is actually ? Little do  I know for a small span of time my mental  focus was at its peak and I felt like I am not able to hold so much energy and I will lose it anytime. I can’t explain why the body trembled at such state or was it just a delusion ,I don’t know exactly. The session concludes with a group photo to break the ice and make people comfortable lost in themselves . Even felt quite awkward interacting about the experience. Lunch was arranged , and lately guru’s concluding talk on the screen wrapped the event . Finally an interesting day coming to an end.Had to report back to the old venue for next couple of days to practice on our own.

We leave back in the car  and  also a couple of people accompany us in the ride. Here’s a funny incident happened , while on our way Vanita happens to ask this lady – Did u felt anything ,while performing the Kriya ? The lady replies – Yeah actually I did , Headache !    I just crack down unable to control my laughter . Never expected something like that coming.

There isn’t anything to come up with to explain the whole experience . Its was simply different for me. I believe such experiences shape our perception and we never remain the same , that’s what growth is all about.

Amazing week altogether !!

Law of conservation of Energy ..

Not a memoir in true sense, but something I got caught up with while on my ride to office. Intrigued with this fascinating topic, all these thoughts had built up over time.

Going back in time during the era of rapidly accelerating scientific discoveries . In 1842 , Julius Robert Mayer discovered the theory of Law of Conservation of Energy ,which is believed to be rooted from the parental theory of Law of Conservation of Mass discovered by Antoine Lavoisier in 1785. Though the essence of this fine conclusion brought by Mayer was never embraced by my inept brain till now , it somehow helps to shed out some layers off the truth behind the mysterious play of life and death . If the entire energy is contained in this unscalable cosmos , And as the theory goes –  Energy can neither be  created nor destroyed , it is just transformed from one form to another , It eases my perception over  the cycle of  birth and death . Would you agree with me – A new born baby is just the manifestation of the energy already existing in the cosmos available all around into this form of body using the biological machine of the parents . I mean my body should  be an amalgamation of the energy from the fruit , air , water , sun , fire , soil etc and every other from of energy either tangible or intangible which interacted with the parent body . Its difficult to perceive this theory since we are unable to find their traces back in this present body distinctively . With my birth some form of energy in the cosmos has disappeared to take my form. And finally when this bodily energy perishes it will take some another form of energy and become a part of this cosmos. The funeral rituals too form an interesting ground to see how we treat the corpse to end into , like burning and burial might be different doorways to different form of energies. And all these forms  fundamentally direct into the  vast ocean of energy exiting. And this energy is capable to take any form imaginable . The term ” I ” makes it difficult to grab hold of this theory , but its easy to say the energy of the cosmos  itself ,and will attain any form  matter or non-matter  with different amount of energy collected from the gigantic pool. And as a result of an erratic process among the innumerable processes I might take birth as a beautiful bird flying high in the clouds or a blue whale exploring the depth of those huge Pacific and Atlantic oceans  or a water body gushing through the valleys of Himalayas or take non material form like  a melodious music  from the instrumentals soothing the broken heart siting on a corner of a window gazing into the night sky drowned in the memories of her love or a mere light from a candle glowing bright in the dark for a romantic date or extra planetary beings like the burning sun or a falling stars or the black hole that engulfs everything that comes in its way. And this transformation cycles will be  endless till the end of time and was here before the birth of time too. I was , I am , I will be here in this cosmic trench till eternity .I mean after this physical structure disintegrates itself into the ocean of energy and I am no more an identity to this cosmic form , the entire cosmos is me . Infact , I am Omnipresent. Isn’t the story where Krishna opens his mouth and mother Yashoda sees the whole universe out there personify this theory . I might be experiencing everything in this cosmos , not just limited to my physical body that I have accumulated over time . Right now there is this body present , never know in future would be a part of something else or might have experienced all of it in my past. The sad part is its not being stored as memory in the continuum of these rebirths.

I believe its not unfair to say the sound you hear, the light you see, everything else that you interact with , might have a bit of me from my previous births. So will you be kind to me !! , can’t I ask for it. I know you will not hurt me. :p

Finally it comes down to ask from where is this entire energy sourced from ? I don’t know the answer to this metaphysical question. I assume being able to just realize this conservation theory brings me halfway down the journey to know myself and everything around me.

Science is fun sometimes !! 😉

 

Indeed a Valentine !!

Very special piece of my life experiences which I will embrace for life. “My Valentine story.”

Just chattering as always the night before Valentine’s , while she is on her way back home from the office and me chilling out on a walk in my training campus. And this duration generally  use to be the only time spared for me specially to talk about our day . Patience is also something inherently we gained due to the endless call drops while she travels in the metro. Dragging our talk finally to our favourite topic for the day , thinking whether there is  anything interesting  to watch out for tomorrow’s special day.

Both of us were flirting with each other naming the people we can comfortably giggle at, somehow trying to hint atleast we could be happy sharing some time unless our fantasies come to life. The talk had definitely caught my ears on something that would have made her day memorable for life and indeed mine too has I always used to find ways to make her feel special, giving myself the pleasure I had being addicted to. She imagined what if that Canadian charm would remember her tomorrow, I don’t think she even recalled about this fairy tale again after laughing it out , and why would she ?. How can a 40 year old guy married and  even with kids would think of this girl sitting oceans away on Valentine’s day. This guy was a chief speaker at an international conference we attended months ago. Infact she met him once for a couple of minutes that too on all her desperate attempts to get a vivid glance of her Mr.Perfect. Luckily she succeeded to grab his business card for any communications in future. She couldn’t stop bragging  for her achievement front of me. But somehow this tiny wierd fantasy moved me and it meant like the only purpose of my life to bring it to reality 😀

I really do question my sanity thinking of it now . So now it had to be an exceptional message to least make the Canadian mind understand who don’t even know whether a guy named V (alias for me ) even existed in this very same world , requesting him to greet this girl most likely to be remembered only for her beautifull Indian name attached with her I guess. I was laughing at myself while thinking of the possibility how this god damn thing would actually happen. I don’t even know what time is it in Canada and left with  this only night expecting him to reply positively for my stupid request.
Somehow gathered some courage to reach out to him by an email, and here comes the toughest part of them all ,how to approach him about it.How would on earth someone could understand this idea and respond to it. Here’s the email conversation –

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(Remark : Unfortunately the image size constraint makes it difficult to read. You can open the image link on a new tab and zoom it ,and enjoy the funny conversation. )

Just before dropping off the bed , the much awaited response pops on my phone.The magic stick has been wound over the hat now and I just have to wait for the rabbit to pop out of the hat tomorrow. Pleased with my efforts , I crash onto my bed for the early rise.

Finally the day arrived hoping nothing but for the magic to happen. Had a day off and she was in her office. Had no plans for meeting tonight , so still no words exchanged from the morning. Afternoon I left with my buddies for a movie ,anxiously waiting for the call the whole time, during the climax my mobile rings I was smiling for ears to ears just looking at the screen, quickly left the movie screen to answer the call , here all my acting skills came into picture . Actually realized at that time how acting normal is just so tough sometimes. She speaks happily about her day routine, and asks me to  guess what happened , I broke into that crooked laugh covering it by  -“Haan tere saath hua hai to definitely kuch crazy hua hoga like always..”

She laughed her heart out, asked me to guess her amazing story . Me the story writer myself had to come up with all those poor stories to prove myself wrong to give her the upper hand, she taunts me that I know her even better and I need to try more . To just get her on her toes , I acted to guess about something from Patrick (our Canadian guy) and she’s like how can you think about it , me with no further explanation just praise myself for getting  it right . After hearing her all and knowing it would finally end the day for us as the call cuts off. I just quickly say –  I need to tell you something , can we meet if possible not having the slightest hint which station she would be has she was in metro while we were talking, she asks me about my place and tell me to meet at my nearest metro station which is on the way to her destination. Me not knowing what’s happening run outside to find my friends waiting outside calling me since the movie was already over by then. I met them apologized them to leave while they were trying to hold me to know what’s going on. I leave from there completely out of my mind , finding for shops to get something for her but couldn’t stop more as atleast I shouldn’t make her wait now .
I slide into the rickshaw reaching the station ,still in search of something to have in hand , jump into a small outlet outside metro buying some chocolates she might like rather cursing myself later .
Hiding in the crowd she suddenly appears in front of me by surprise ,exchanging those whole hearted smiles . Both where in black again, cracking down at the coincidence.I think black meant something else for us . Finally decoded the whole truth to her making her jaw drop with this whole thing .Best of it , I get to know she had already left my station while talking on phone and she had took a return back again to meet ,this made me feel like I already received my present from her and nothing more could be expected now and then quickly we took the next train so that she reach home on time as she would never try to make her mom concern with her delay. Discussing the whole story in depth we reached the desired station .Now  she had to catch the other train now and my journey had to end there ,praying hard the almighty to stop this time for atleast today ,.Not willing to leave at all, I managed her to leave a couple of train still, but that couldn’t help any longer. Accepting the ugly truth ,shaking  a tightful hand and endless good byes , with the inching  distance of separation I call her name, she turns around .With my heart pounding so fast at that moment , I hesitantly ask her – Can I hug you ?  Completely unprepared for it she utters quietly- Not here in public , I am Sorry . Exchanging uncomfortable smiles , I quickly  turn around and walk away not turning back , having absolute no courage to do so.. I do wonder was she still waiting for me to look back.

After sitting back  in the train , being restless with how it ended I call her immediately , she lifts the call  and the silence just breaks out into laughter over the most embarrassing moment we faced in front of each other .At last  everything seemed  to be sorted now without  a word exchanged.