Picture Perfect !!

Every picture always depicts a story unseen.

It feels quite different today, with the absence of all that jittery feeling of emptiness I dwell into everyday. Even the early morning sunlight is bright enough to kiss my skin from the silhouette of the trees grown in my garden. The aroma of the morning dew is replaced by the faint smell of burning woods, probably its the water kept for boiling on the woods in the neighbours. It seems to be a good time to hold my brush.

Today I feel like to paint you and it never felt so strongly before in all these years. It feels like some old revered memories are rushing back like dying waves coming down to hit the shore of my thoughts with all the energy they hold . You were beautiful, you were not meant to be re-created. I never held the skills to make you my subject to paint , you were simply beyond the bounds of possibility. Probably it was always the fear paramount over my skills to fail at this endeared task. It’s somehow easy now, after all these mammoth sized anxieties have subsided to mere aphids after losing you.

I quickly take a look at the easel lying at the corner and bring it to the right place, and start to search for my essentials.  I slip out a clean sheet of paper from the covers, the paper looks great with that rich white colour spread evenly outright till the edges and seems powerful than ever for all the nothingness it holds together. The acrylic tubes can still be squeezed enough to get the work done. I reach out for my pockets to find the pack of cigarettes empty and now I need to buy one cause it’s going to be a long sitting and lately I have realized without one its difficult for me to hold my brush still . I pick some crumbled bills and buy myself a pack of cigarettes and a couple of charcoal pencils. And finally its time to bring you down on my paper.

I close my eyes to picture you, it’s always easy to find a perfect image of you in my mind, it appears so clear with every intricate details , each holding a story to reminisce on the moments we lived together. I hope you would find some attributes captured so perfectly which will make you realise even your mirror somehow missed out on those and you would surely jump back to life to view in the mirror to confirm . In no time I see my hands moving over the paper so elegantly like an independent craftsman who knows his work well and have probably done you a million times over. It certainly feels like as if I’m running my fingers over every inch of your skin and my brush trying to imitate it perfectly on the paper with the varying pressure over the tip of the brush resembling the grooves over your skin.  The thoughts in my mind are blurred out during this whole time till I realise it’s finally done and my brush is resting on the palette.

I take a moment to look at this creation and its perfect. I can see your hairs come out exactly as desired, you could notice the invisible spaces between the fine strands of your hair. Flossy and shine they fall over your shoulder perfectly.  And how could I possibly go wrong with those eyes, those sparkling brown eyes have some irresistible charm – the possible doors to your soul which never betrayed your feelings. And the fine tiny wrinkles at the edge of the eyes if you observe carefully. Even the slender long eyebrows arched over escalates the beauty of her eyes . A clear brow which slides down at the centre over your nose and the smooth hairline running down to the sides ending at the ears hiding behind your hairs and I took special care while building the side lines cause I could feel them fit perfectly in my hands every time I hold you. That perfect smile you wear makes me fall for you each time I see you and fixed with those delicate lips pared to perfection. Did I mention the texture of your skin, its smooth like silk and that special glow brings joy to faces. Probably you were just flawless to define.

I wish you were here in real to praise you than this mere replication of yours. I stub out the cigarette in the ash tray and rise to I pick up the portrait to find a place on one of my walls . As I enter the room , I see an empty frame and a dozens of  this exact painting hanging on the walls. To my surprise , I find a note on the empty frame. The note unfolds a shocking reality of me suffering from something termed as anterograde amnesia- its losing ability to create new memories . It made my heart sink for a while, but I realize everything falling into place. The feeling of emptiness and these exact same paintings hung on the wall. But I wonder why this note is placed near the empty frame. Probably its only the memory of you which has stayed intact all these years, and this painting somehow helps me cope up with my memory disorder. I create another empty frame on the wall with the note and hope the next time I feel like to paint you it would bring a new memory of having an empty frame with a note waiting for me.

 

​If I were you !!

So when does this battle begin ? It happens everyday, in every little instance. In all likelihood they’ll always stand to differ

He accompanies me while on my way to work and back home generally, fortunately he is free all the time and me on the other side simply occupied with my routines and other stuffs. It’s usually the same journey which follows everyday until one fine day it changed forever. Here’s how our journey began as we step out from my house that day –

Episode 1: We arrive at the auto-stand to reach the railway station .While waiting for an auto to arrive, He points me to this guy waiting behind me in the queue, looking at his watch every second impatiently, might be late for some real important assignment. He hints me to make a move upfront to help the poor guy skip the queue to save him some time there. But I somehow fail to gather enough courage to ask and I quietly slide into the auto as it arrives.

Episode 2: We rush to the railway platform since I’m bit late today. He distracts my sight towards this penurious lady sitting  with her infant in her lap near the walls of the platform, might be in need for some food to feed her child. He gives this look as if I probably know what he might say now but I disgracefully look down and make my way with the crowd as soon as the train enters the platform.

Episode 3: We catch our bus en route, today it’s quite crowded and I’m fortunate enough to enjoy this window seat. And suddenly he turns my head towards this stranger who is profusely sweating and exhausted as if he just ran a marathon to catch this bus, looks like he might need my seat more than me for now. But I simply turn my head back again through the window pane.

Episode 4: We get down at our bus stop and start walking towards our office premises along the footpath. He calls for my attention towards a skinny guy struggling to pull the loaded cart behind him on road . I carry this sympathetic look and simply enter the gates of my office.

Episode 5 : After a hectic day, we friends were enjoying ice-creams along the roadside. He asks me to notice the poor kid walking away disappointed, looks like he just fell short of few more coins to buy an ice cream for himself. I just stand and act like a spectator there.

Episode 6: While walking towards our building stairs, I usually avoid looking at this particular balcony. I know I will find this old little man sitting on his chair carrying that same old impassive look for years since I remember. I always struggle to make a comfortable gesture to him. Pretty well acquainted with this shortcoming he still provokes me by purpose. I accept my defeat and walk straight towards the stairs.

Disturbed with all the incidences he tried to indulge me into today. I make him stand in front of me and question his intent behind this play. His witty smile further gets me annoyed and furious. He softly utters “If I were you, it wouldn’t have been the same for you as well as for few others today,dear friend”. I just collapse down to my knees in tears because he was none other than myself in front of me. I was equally petrified with the one residing within me the whole time.  And there I finally discovered these two identities confronting each others.

Sometimes you need to lose some mind to win some heart.”

Love(a)Marriage

Alexithymia that’s all I can say when it comes down to talk about few things, particularly this one.

I guess the title makes an attempt to tickle your grey cells on my intent for this article. Let’s get it started straight from the incident where this idea took birth .

During a metro ride with my good old friend , he was talking about this girl he knew , so she is going get engaged soon but not with her boyfriend as it seems but the one she choose from her community under parental pressure. Now she has made up her mind to never look back and she will work out with her present. It didn’t feel right to hear about it . He too raised his reservation against this incident and wondered  how do people make such things work in reality? I didn’t have much to say in this and how could I ? Someone who never played either of these roles of love or marriage in true sense. Though enjoyed the freedom of having an opinion about it. I remember I came up with this statement – You know what , I think this ” Love and Marriage aren’t the same thing. ” if you see. I believe it meant more than those words had to offer.

Love as an emotion and Marriage as an act, both make an independent conception in itself. Together they can co-exist to represent an epitome of mutualistic symbiotic relationship. As now we are approaching this popular phase of mid 20’s  the so-called socially accepted age for marriage proposals. We could hardly find this question  not mentioned in our social meets like – Who’s going to marry the earliest among us ? I feel somewhere it asks for who’s going to dare to take the action first. The answers too feel like masked behind some real truth, some say ” Hmm , Might take some few years to look into it”. I guess this wait of few years is not meant for the marriage to happen but it’s actually spared for the love to happen. The idea of love later accompanied with marriage always gives this sense of delight within. But unfortunately some find it contentious when love seems to disappear like a beautiful dream after few years of marriage. All it needs is to have a blind faith in its existence to make the marriage or relationship run.

So as we hope for ” Love-Marriage ” , I would like to hope for ” Love-a-Marriage ” , here my definition with the silent ‘a’ helps to understand it better.

Love after marriage – we couldn’t deny the possibility of this happening either. I hope I may be wrong , But somewhere love gets protected from being questioned behind the bars of a relation called family. Do u love your family ? This thing rarely excites us when we talk about the L word as the emotion of family stands at par to any obligations of human emotions, its more than any emotion.

I don’t know when marriage will try to make sense for me but I do feel like ”  I’m running out of time for love.

The Unanswered !!

A fictional tale which answers to none…

Walking along the shore late night under the crescent moon light he was lost in this state of melancholy. He reaches out for a cigarette and a lighter from his pocket , lights it up and takes in a deep breath of smoke. The cool steady breeze just adding the beauty to the atmosphere is trying to steal away the cigarette smoke from the tip of his mouth. Even the smoke inside isn’t spared as if the air has it all to cleanse the toxic within. The moist sand underneath providing a comfortable cushion to his bare feet. The sea water rolls off his legs every time the waves run into the coastline.

On his way along the shore ride he accidentally stumbles over a rock under water. As the wave reclines back over his legs he finds an idol with the throne just visible above the surface. He digs out some soil to get this small Ganesh murti out , and washes off the mud over it with some water. He stares at the idol giving this smile of recognition as if waiting all his life to talk to it. He didn’t have much to say , just a few answers from this Almighty who act like the panacea for all the disorders in our living . He was always sceptical about getting any answers , never did he find anyone like him coming up with help when he needed the most. He speaks out-

” They say you know everything. That’s the  reason why you are different from me.

I hear their silence,
You hear their plead..

I see their laughter,
You see their tears..

I see what they receive,
You see what they sacrifice..

I know about their dreams,
You know about their fears..

But I do know something, dear Lord,

You created soil,
I created a cup..

You created darkness,
I created the lamp..

You created time,
I created its Age..

You created wood,
I created paper..

And above all ,

As you created me
I think I created you..

Isn’t that true  ? ”

As he finishes off this dialogue , a voice whispers behind him….

 

The last thing you might want to hear !!

Sometimes you happen to feel like that one thing is missing in your perfect story. I think I found that one thing in my story.

Lately I have been engaged in some strange thoughts regarding my uneasy sleeping experiences at night. Its like something is left incomplete that I am unaware of, even after winding up a fantastic day . So why am I not able to drown into a pleasant sleep smoothly ? Its like I am unable to find the last right thing to do before I end up closing my eyes .This hasn’t been felt before. I find myself dodge between couple of acts like reading some quick write-ups or blogs , listening to some soft romantic song or preferably a piano cover ( Titanic theme song recently being the frequent one.) , or Facebook news feed at last if none to the fill the empty space. Now I  feel like I succeeded in  figuring out the mystery behind this mini crisis I have been dealing with. I think I know what’s missing there –  “ I need someone to say Good Night “. Yeah that’s actually what is supposed to happen every night isn’t it ? I found it fairly believable since the last thing I have been doing is staring at the clock on the mobile screen, and I am like –  OK, its time now , close your eyes and try to sleep. But somehow my body clock has lost its sync with time. Amidst these discomforting feelings , one fine day I come across this small piece of paper treasured in my wallet for a long time. Not really  a number to dial-up ,In fact a message with those two words I have been deserted to. The piece of paper unfolded a sweet memory along with it.

A story from the early months of my job,  where everything was perfect except my work.Unfortunately I had been recently landed into a different profile which I believed wasn’t appropriate for me then, that too for my early days of learning period and even the shift duty schedule to ruin it all over .I was annoyed being  the unlucky guy to fill the place. Although with all the  poor attempts of my boss to help boost me up with the situation didn’t help much either. I was left alone with all my peer colleagues coming in the general timings. Luckily had these two great people around me to help with the ugly circumstances. My long time buddy cum roommate and a close friend cum colleague in my office , we use to hang out all the time . Somehow I felt like this thing it didn’t bother me much with them besides me.

As the rough month comes to an end , I am about to meet my boss for the change as discussed ago. I had my night shift the day before and had to wait the next morning for the meeting. Late night as usual I was engaged in a conversation with this special friend , and there she pops up with an interesting surprise for me . These sweet gestures used to be our best part, and also making it difficult for us to come with something impressive each time. She hides my surprise in the office before leaving today. I keep her on call while I leave down to her place, she instructs me to run down to our secret locker we had for our exchanges. Our secret locker used to be one of her drawers beneath her desk , and she use to hide the keys somewhere nearby. Getting it wouldn’t be much difficult at night unless the security guard finds something odd with my behaviour. I grab the bag from the drawer, lock it back and quickly run upstairs .

As I draw out the stuff from the carry bag, I find this familiar tiny dabba , the same old one which she used to carry during her lunch. Our guessing games comes to an end and I get the permission to open it up. There’s this paper slip kept over the wrapped aluminum foil inside. I keep the paper aside for a while and get my attention back to the box. I see a homemade variety of dried  ‘poha'( or flattened rice  that’s what it’s called , I never heard before googling it now :p ), and a lovely bar of  peanut chikki (or patti that’s what the locals call here ) . Me and my roomie use to have a lot of those during those chilly winters. She had been to her home recently , and brought this treat for me. I take up the slip and find this sweet message from her.

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Somehow I persuade her to keep the box with me forever. Moreover she was afraid what if I  get the dabba one day for office and our group might notice, how come I arrive with the box to office. Finally my day arrived, her wishes turned all fruitful and I get to return back to the place where I belong. Few days later, I plan out for a present in return. I buy one similar looking dabba for her, fill it with chocolate cubes she liked. Worked out those ribbon bindings and all to make it presentable. And that’s not it , I get a rose for her on my way to meet her ,that’s actually being the first ever I offered to someone. I do question my purpose now , what the hell I was trying to do ? :p I end up justifying the act as out of highest esteem I hold for her.

So feel lucky to hear a Good Night every night before falling asleep cause some do comprehend its absence.

Good Night !!

In the quest of superior Me !!

Interesting memoir , an accidental journey in my experience related to a topic that never leaves to amuse me.

With the end of this week on time scale , its difficult to scale the run on the spiritual path.  All my prejudice about the truth of life were put to test for the very first time. This struggling mind was unable to fathom the complexity of life and just touching the surface of reality wasn’t enough to quench it’s thirst. The week-long program was a result of attraction towards an another piece of life whose wisdom and perception never failed to bring moments of epiphany each time I watch his talks on Youtube. Accidentally get to know his foundation is organizing a program nearby , my curiosity dragged me to the event to understand the methodology he is preaching to these amateur urban yogis trying to rise above  the ocean of chaos they are drowning deep into. Does Yoga really transform this mass of flesh accumulated over a period of time after stealing from the nature , into an individual able to perceive and understand the real truth ? But it has benefitted guru as he claims , the result is what he projects to the world .

Was quite nervous like the first day of school surrounded by new faces all around and even excited to be the youngest student in the class. A young  white foreigner to lead us through the program was something unexpected for me.  To start with exercising the physical form of yoga which I suppose is not just the whole aspect of yoga but I could just manage to grasp its physical nature until then, with an addition to it leaving my random sway of thoughts for a while which I believe to be natural as being involved kept me away from worldly motions. After the Upayoga practices we were asked to pay attention to the screens. A smile runs along with the appearance of the familiar stranger on the screen who roped me to the very present state of my existence. How crazy it is , someone explaining an illogical truth to these logical idiots. That’s what make him the rescuer for us . He defined the word “Responsibility” literally and Ahh!! shouts the mind yeah that’s what it always meant as the Ability to Respond . For any given case my natural ability to respond can be in any possible form . Anger , love , compassion , empathy, bliss everything is sourced within , and  any wise man alive can understand what’s better for his well-being and others. Giving the freedom to a limitless approach to respond to any subject brings the best in me , then why be angry since you have the option not to be. Being angry we simply poison ourself thinking it will kill its victim. We were asked to exercise this topic for the whole day and share the experiences within groups as our homework for next day. Didn’t expect my first experience to appear just outside the centre. I was waiting along the roadside for an auto , one of the lady participant comes up for help with the lift ,  thanking her I pass down the offer since our paths were different. Felt good with the incident .Even the bargain for auto fare wasn’t the same like before , had interesting  observations all day long in my pocket to share.

The next day was just a real shake to my thinking capability . Understanding the concept of Moments of Happiness . Able to unravel the truth  behind all the happy moments in our past experiences was amazing. To brief it down,  its accepting the moment completely the way it is. Just differentiating the life period to every single moment, looking at the very current moment .This moment cannot be of any other form than it is now isn’t it so ?  We can’t do anything to it . In this moment lies the entire creation of the creator ,and this moment is what we have in the form of existence ,both previous moment and the next moment don’t exist in reality. Right now This Moment is Inevitable isn’t it ? Which moment you are looking at ,Look at this one. No not that , This one. Not that , this one I am talking about. It is the way it is , were you able to change it ? Either working for changing the  moment or thinking about the previous moment but the present moment is untouched . If you accept the present moment wholly you will never be distressed or anxious about anything. Every moment in your experience is happening for the first time in the entire cosmos since the universe is never the same for very next moment in your experience. Your whole lifetime can be spent blissfully just being aware about it  for every conscious moment of yours.

The third day kicks off with all the positive energy from yesterday’s phenomenal experience . The session is always preceded by  a prayer not familiar to my vocabulary. I never tried to find its interpretation before its first verse once appeared on TV. Later ,its found to be Shanti Mantra written in our Upanishads. So with the progressive practices we were preparing for the final form to be performed couple of days later.

On the  fourth day of the program ,the session ended with the announcement that the 5th day to be a Sunday scheduled for the  entire day at their Delhi center for the final procedure of the kriya. The conveyance for the early morning travel was a concern for me. Thinking about the possible options, it hits my mind and I reach out to the lady who offered me the drive on the very first day. She was busy completing her homework . She looks and smiles at me knowing my purpose beforehand , quickly accepts the request and I am all set for the finale.

With early special preparation for the day-long session , I drop into the car and we make our way to the centre , had a brief interaction en route knowing each other till we reach the destination. The scenic pathway as we just enter through the gates was pleasing enough to find something like this amidst of a city like Delhi. We were instructed to walk through the trees following the path. And as the view clears I am like What the Hell ! People all circled playing freebies , my legs couldn’t hold and I just run to join the play. I was surprised to see our instructor having fun in all casual completely opposite to the attire she used to follow at the sessions. Everyone no matter their age where enjoying all the games like little kids, you can imagine the average age group coming for the program like this and I never felt so comfortable playing with all strangers understanding the diverse backgrounds. We end up for breakfast which disappoints these hungry kids expecting some delicious food , for an unorthodox healthy meal . Later we hang out in the garden enjoying the morning breeze. Had a good talk with some individuals , largely with Mrs Vanita continuing our talk where we left off in the car ,enjoyed  some funny stories of her naughty kid.

Session started with a great talk by guru and detailed process of our kriya to be performed. Revising our practices learned during the week , we were prepared to experience the so-called higher conscious state. As a preparatory practice we were left outside the yoga room in the garden for a while with the constraint to avoid any form of interaction with the participants ,not even looking at each other. The atmosphere was filled with complete silence , I managed to distract myself looking at the trees , an ant dragging a leaf caught my attention and I was lost into its act till we were told to return back to the room.

The experience of the kriya is a bit difficult to explain as I really don’t know what was it to be frank. We were unaware of what we were going to experience actually. That’s make it difficult to judge whether was it the way it was intended to be. How do you know what to experience unless you are told what the experience is actually ? Little do  I know for a small span of time my mental  focus was at its peak and I felt like I am not able to hold so much energy and I will lose it anytime. I can’t explain why the body trembled at such state or was it just a delusion ,I don’t know exactly. The session concludes with a group photo to break the ice and make people comfortable lost in themselves . Even felt quite awkward interacting about the experience. Lunch was arranged , and lately guru’s concluding talk on the screen wrapped the event . Finally an interesting day coming to an end.Had to report back to the old venue for next couple of days to practice on our own.

We leave back in the car  and  also a couple of people accompany us in the ride. Here’s a funny incident happened , while on our way Vanita happens to ask this lady – Did u felt anything ,while performing the Kriya ? The lady replies – Yeah actually I did , Headache !    I just crack down unable to control my laughter . Never expected something like that coming.

There isn’t anything to come up with to explain the whole experience . Its was simply different for me. I believe such experiences shape our perception and we never remain the same , that’s what growth is all about.

Amazing week altogether !!

Law of conservation of Energy ..

Not a memoir in true sense, but something I got caught up with while on my ride to office. Intrigued with this fascinating topic, all these thoughts had built up over time.

Going back in time during the era of rapidly accelerating scientific discoveries . In 1842 , Julius Robert Mayer discovered the theory of Law of Conservation of Energy ,which is believed to be rooted from the parental theory of Law of Conservation of Mass discovered by Antoine Lavoisier in 1785. Though the essence of this fine conclusion brought by Mayer was never embraced by my inept brain till now , it somehow helps to shed out some layers off the truth behind the mysterious play of life and death . If the entire energy is contained in this unscalable cosmos , And as the theory goes –  Energy can neither be  created nor destroyed , it is just transformed from one form to another , It eases my perception over  the cycle of  birth and death . Would you agree with me – A new born baby is just the manifestation of the energy already existing in the cosmos available all around into this form of body using the biological machine of the parents . I mean my body should  be an amalgamation of the energy from the fruit , air , water , sun , fire , soil etc and every other from of energy either tangible or intangible which interacted with the parent body . Its difficult to perceive this theory since we are unable to find their traces back in this present body distinctively . With my birth some form of energy in the cosmos has disappeared to take my form. And finally when this bodily energy perishes it will take some another form of energy and become a part of this cosmos. The funeral rituals too form an interesting ground to see how we treat the corpse to end into , like burning and burial might be different doorways to different form of energies. And all these forms  fundamentally direct into the  vast ocean of energy exiting. And this energy is capable to take any form imaginable . The term ” I ” makes it difficult to grab hold of this theory , but its easy to say the energy of the cosmos  itself ,and will attain any form  matter or non-matter  with different amount of energy collected from the gigantic pool. And as a result of an erratic process among the innumerable processes I might take birth as a beautiful bird flying high in the clouds or a blue whale exploring the depth of those huge Pacific and Atlantic oceans  or a water body gushing through the valleys of Himalayas or take non material form like  a melodious music  from the instrumentals soothing the broken heart siting on a corner of a window gazing into the night sky drowned in the memories of her love or a mere light from a candle glowing bright in the dark for a romantic date or extra planetary beings like the burning sun or a falling stars or the black hole that engulfs everything that comes in its way. And this transformation cycles will be  endless till the end of time and was here before the birth of time too. I was , I am , I will be here in this cosmic trench till eternity .I mean after this physical structure disintegrates itself into the ocean of energy and I am no more an identity to this cosmic form , the entire cosmos is me . Infact , I am Omnipresent. Isn’t the story where Krishna opens his mouth and mother Yashoda sees the whole universe out there personify this theory . I might be experiencing everything in this cosmos , not just limited to my physical body that I have accumulated over time . Right now there is this body present , never know in future would be a part of something else or might have experienced all of it in my past. The sad part is its not being stored as memory in the continuum of these rebirths.

I believe its not unfair to say the sound you hear, the light you see, everything else that you interact with , might have a bit of me from my previous births. So will you be kind to me !! , can’t I ask for it. I know you will not hurt me. :p

Finally it comes down to ask from where is this entire energy sourced from ? I don’t know the answer to this metaphysical question. I assume being able to just realize this conservation theory brings me halfway down the journey to know myself and everything around me.

Science is fun sometimes !! 😉